Day 7- BFT

Day 7: BFT

Today is the first Nero day I have taken willingly since the Long Trail. I woke up early this morning next to the road leading into junction City, hiked a few miles into town and have been chillin ever since.

I got to the junction City store in time to get my package and new shoes and did a little bit of shopping when I got the idea to buy a fishing pole and head out to the Trinity river for the day instead of hiking. Supposedly the fish we’re biting so I headed out to spend the day listening to the Astros and catching fish.

I did one of those two things. After five hours I gave up feeling defeated but knowing I now had a light pole I could bring with me for the rest of the hike and would have many opportunities ahead. My spot is gorgeous. I’m camped out on a beach next to the river with a small fire in the sand. The foothills of the Alps are right to the north and the sky is clear for another start night. I think I’ll leave tomorrow to start my ascent into the Alps, but maybe I’ll fish all day again. Who knows.

Day 6- BFT

Day 6- BFTToday was not my favorite, but it was all worth it for what happened at the very end. Molly and I woke up to pack our things and head into town for one last breakfast before we said goodbye. We ended up giving another couple a ride into town and had breakfast with them. We sort of dragged out the morning almost as if denying the reality of having to say goodbye soon. At least I was. Eventually it came, we said our goodbyes and I began a road walk that would take me all the way to junction City.

The road walk was boring, but fine. I watched vultures fight and was able to get enough service at one point to find out the warriors won the NBA championship. There’s not a lot to report on the way the walk looked. It was all pretty much the same shrubby oaks and pine trees along the way. However, right before I found my spot to camp I had an amazing experience with a gray fox.

I saw it ahead about fifty yards and approached slowly but surely it would bolt soon. It jumped into the bushes so I carried on thinking it was cool to see one. When I passed the area it jumped into I noticed it hadn’t gone anywhere and was within ten feet from me and starting at me. I slowly crouched and held out a hand and I swear to you the fox squinted it’s eyes and lowered it’s head and zig zagged back and forth as it slowly crept closer and closer to my hand. When it was about a foot away I drew my hand back because I got nervous it was sick or something, but it froze and stared into my eyes for a second and then turned it’s head and trotted away. I sat speechless and ended up following it down the road to get water for about ten minutes. All the way it would turn and look at me as we walked. Definitely the highlight of the day.

Now I’m stealth camped off the road in the midst of this heklish plant that has seeds that stick all over my shoes and socks. I’m excited to sleep and get I to town tomorrow. I have zero plans and may take the day to relax. We will see.

Day 5- BFT

Day 5- BFT

Town Day! These days are like mini holidays scattered throughout a thru hike. It’s so exciting getting to fulfill dreams of ice cream and burgers and kombucha and coke. Today molly and I had all of that and more as we splurged for our final day together before I venture on alone.

We woke up in our campground groggy and sleepy,but motivated by town day to get up and get going. We only had a few miles of real trail with a lot of road walking to get to town. The trails were basically short cuts heading steep uphill without any switchbacks making it seem again that we were climbing walls. It’s gotten really dry again and seems to be venturing away from the lush wet side of the Trinity mountains.

Town was extremely exciting. Molly and I bought a drink, ate a late lunch at a Mexican restaurant and after cleaning up went back out to eat a burger and enjoy Hayfork. This is one of my favorite trail towns I have come across and I wish I would have planned to spend an entire day here with nothing else to do. Everyone is kind and welcoming and full of smiles. I’m looking forward to what’s ahead, but sad to be going on alone without Molly. By the way, did I mention she rolled her ankle at mile two and had a gnarly swollen ankle all the way through? A lot of the past four days have been about getting our feet in water to try and ice Molly’s ankle and sleeping in a way to elevate it through the night. I can’t believe she pressed on for 70 miles in that condition. Badass. Wishing she could join me for the rest, but we have a big move coming up and a lot to get done. So tomorrow it’s just me again romping through the forest.

Day 4- BFT

Day 4: BFT

Our goal today was to get as close as possible let to Hayfork in order to have an extremely chill Thursday relaxing in a motel. Luckily the trail was mostly smooth and easy to follow. There were a few sections where the trail forced us up steep inclines that felt like walking up a wall, but they were short lived and led to gradual downhills or smooth road walks.

The trail has been relatively monotonous with a lot of dirt roads and large leaf maples covering us from the sun. We found some huge cones from ghost pines that have started coming into the trail which has been cool to see. There are tons of lizards all around scuffling away as we walked up on them.

Camp tonight is in an empty campground next to philpot river. We have a huge fire and are devouring all the food we have since tomorrow is town day! We are excited to shower and eat a huge meal. Next up it’s time to be solo again and begin the hike into the Alps.

Day 2- BFT

Day 2: BFT

Mileage: 15.9

It was cold waking up this morning even though I didn’t leave my sleeping back until almost ten. I’ve been filling enjoying sleeping in and only getting up when motivated by Molly. After a quick poop and a refill on our waters we were off. The first two miles today were horrific. We waded through waist high thorn brush without a single trail insight for almost two hours. We would begin walking on what we thought was trail and then out of nowhere be completely submersed in brush. Eventually we made our way through and found a flowing creek to rest at before the next push.

From this point on the trail became clear and we’re able to put some miles down along a relatively flat grade easing along the inside of the Yolla Bolly northern range. The trees cleared out and we blasted through gorgeous Meadows filled with lupine and incredible views all around us.

We ended up on a dirt road after passing a gate that ended our section in the Yolla Bolly wilderness. There was a group of CCC workers enjoying their evening meal and we began our long road walk to piece together the next piece of this trail.

Eventually we found a spot to camp off the road we had been waking down. We made our fire, played our cards, made some tea and are now laying down looking up at the stars listening for any bears that might find our tuna scented bags something to investigate.

Day 1- BFT

Day 1: BFT

Mileage: 14.7

Yesterday Molly and I made our way from Wildwood, CA to the Idea Cove Trailhead by way of ten hitches in the course of twelve hours. The Ides Cove Trailhead is gorgeous and nothing like the two hour drive up the mountain from Red Bluff, CA, which is the dry side of the Trinity Alps and incredibly hot. We camped out under the stars 7,000 feet up and slept deeply through the night.

We first started hiking in the wrong direction, my fault, but quickly caught back in the trail and made our way easing up and down a Ridgeline surrounded by soaring cedars and dainty douglas firs. The trail was mostly identified by a faint line through scree and brush fields and at times finding our route was difficult if not impossible. We got off and on trail a million times and towards the end of the day were so frustrated by the sharp poky bushes we decided to call it a quits by a pond we found in the midst of a waterless stretch.

The trail itself is gorgeous. It’s huge with a lot of incredible views of Shasta and Lassen and a ton of diversity in it’s style, in terms of ridgeline exposure and sporadic canopy coverage. The faint trail line in the Yolla Bolly wilderness is not something I will miss. I’m hoping for a more pronounced line tomorrow or a least less poky brush that has absolutely destroyed our legs.

It’s amazing having Molly out here to start this trail with me and will be hard to have to say bye. However, I’m looking forward to a slow walk through the Trinity Alps and hopefully will find myself on the Coast in Crescent City in a few weeks!

P.S.- We saw a rattlesnake and a bear today. Tons of bear shit all along the trail!

All That Was Left Was His Love

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Tonight I sit outside of my yurt listening to The War on Drugs under mackerel skies brushed with pink and orange wisps of light. I’m finally home. For the first time in many weeks I am resting in a space that is conducive for peace and clarity from all that has come on in the past few months. I feel so much comforted being surrounded by redwood trees homing birds and squirrels with the only sounds coming from a pure and natural breath exhaled from the earth beneath my feet, aside from the intoxicating voice of Adam Granduciel.  I feel like I have to pinch myself to keep myself aware of how crazy and amazing it is to be in such a perfect and beautiful space.

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I honestly don’t know exactly where to start in regurgitating all that has happened in the past two weeks, but I thought that I would give it a shot in hopes to verbalize a story that I can express and pour out of my heart to continue finding power over all the fear that began to dominate and control my thoughts towards the end of my trip this summer. I suppose the best place to start is where I last left off.

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On my last day in Europe, Ryan and I woke up in our home in Strasbourg with plans to continue hitching south into Switzerland and Italy before heading west back to Barcelona to catch our flights home. Immediately I began feeling the burning in my head and the cramping in my heart as we set out to find coffee before leaving the city. My anxiety was low, but the pain was severe and slowly I began to focus on my health more and more so that by the time Ryan and I left the city I was existing so deeply in my head that any word I spoke felt like something outside of me was speaking. Everything felt cloudy and hazy and my ability to enjoy the process of travel felt impossible.

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Eventually we made our way out of the center of the city and caught a few hitches down to a gas station off the highway just outside of a town called Colmar. We walked into the gas station to look for water and to use the bathroom and when we came out I told Ryan that I needed a few minutes alone in hopes to pull myself together again and find strength to continue moving forward. I went and found a small quiet space behind the gas station and pulled my sleeping mat out to lay face down on and pray for peace in all that I was experiencing. My brain began to feel like it was catching fire and my breathing felt constricted like a knot that forms in your throat when you’re terrified. Within a few minutes I found myself in the heart of panic and felt myself losing control of my body and mind. Fear swept through every thought and controlled my mind causing me to question my sanity and what would happen to my body. I tried taking slow breathes and was able to call home and talk with my parents and tell them that I needed to get home before I lost myself completely. I knew at that moment that this was the end of my trip.

 

 

When I came out of panic I went and found Ryan and was clearly in a state of shock and fear. He knew that I was in a bad place and hugged me and asked what he could do, but by that point my decision was made and through broken words and heavy tears I told him I had to leave. He understood immediately and graciously walked with me inside to help me find a ride to Paris to catch a flight home. Within an hour I had found a ride and said a bitter goodbye to my best friend before heading north to Paris to conclude a never ending fight or flight, stress inducing summer.

 

 

I pulled into Paris around 11 pm and made my way through the confusing metro stations to find a hostel I had booked for myself close to the center of the city. Eventually I got to the hostel and found my room and passed out within minutes, thankfully. The next morning I woke up and headed to the airport to catch my flight. I have insane anxiety about flying, and clearly a lot of other things, so as I headed to the airport I felt my heart thundering and began creating a million hypotheticals of worst case situations rooted in fear. I found my seat on my plane and heard the pilot come over the speaker and tell us that the plane was having maintenance come out and fix a few loose screws, which perpetuated the anxiety, and that we would be delayed by thirty minutes sitting in the plane waiting to leave; hell. After a seemingly endless horrid situation the plane began to move and we took off. I felt a surprising peace come over me and spent most of the ride feeling relaxed and even slept for a few hours. After another flight out of Chicago, which also went smoothly, I found myself in Houston and walked out of the terminal to be greeted by my family and squeezed with love and affection. Everything felt like it was going to be ok for the first time in so long.

 

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My parents took me home to shower and change before taking me out for dinner and spending the evening together in peace and harmony. The next day I was still having serious anxiety issues and found myself locked in a negative and dark headspace and went with my parents to the doctor to get checked up, but ended up going to the E.R. to have a thorough look at my heart and chest. The doctors had incredible patience with my endless questions and ended up telling me that my body was healthy and exactly what they would expect to see in a young man and basically that it was all in my head, which was slightly encouraging and mostly infuriating because I had been woken up in the middle of the night clutching my chest and feeling like my brain was being burned in a fire, but within a few hours of hearing this I began to notice my symptoms diminishing and my body beginning to find stability in my new reality back home in Houston. I’d love to say that this was all I needed to begin finding healing, but unfortunately the next few days brought on another massive event that would trigger severe anxiety and send me back into the loop of fear and hypothetical situations; Hurricane Harvey.

My parents live on a boat in Galveston Bay which feeds into the Gulf of Mexico about 25 miles south east of Houston proper. We began hearing about a hurricane that was coming to land south of us in a town called Rockport, Tx about 150 miles away from us. The fear was minuscule and I was even excited to get a good Texas thunderstorm that I had missed for so many years. As time went on we began to realize the grandeur of this storm. The night that it hit we took shelter in our boat and experienced heavy rain and some high winds, but nothing too dramatic. I felt safe and secure. The next day the storm sort of died down, but it was not done with our state. Bands from the hurricane were in motion to land on top of Houston in a few short hours and within a few hours we realized that the storm was heading right for the area our boat was docked. The winds picked up and the sky grew dark and the rain began to pound the earth with a thunderous slap that seemed to only grow stronger as the night grew dark. Somehow I was able to sleep for a few short hours before my phone rang with an alert that there was a tornado warning in our area. I popped up and looked out the window waiting to see the tornado come slamming into our harbor and ripping our boat to pieces. I didn’t have enough strength to fight the negative hypotheticals and every fifteen minutes was blasted with tornado warnings that seemed to never end. I was just waiting to get slammed.

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Thankfully we never saw a tornado, but for the next three days we would be locked on our dock with a never ending downpour of rain and wind. The parking lot next to our home was submerged in four feet of water at one point and our dock had risen so high that every piece of tape my parents put on it to measure the storm were under water. We checked the news and saw that the storm decided to sit on top of Houston and dump every drop of water it contained before moving further east and ending its domination of our city. My anxiety had come back full force and I felt the pain in my chest again caused from insane stress and hyper focus on the situation I was in without any hope, faith or peace in what would happen. I ended up getting out and spent a night in my sisters home not far away to find out that my flight out of Texas was cancelled. Without much thought I decided to try and find flights out of other cities so I could get home to California and out of the insanity that seemed to be following me. I found a flight out of Dallas the next morning and was given an incredible ride from my Dad to the airport five hours away. I was going to make it to California sooner than I expected twice now and could not wait to be resting in the peace of the forest I get to call home.

My Dad and I found a hotel near the airport and were able to get a few hours of sleep in before I had to get to my flight. My anxiety about the flight was much less extreme than my anxiety from Paris to America, but I was still battling chest pain and worry. Within a few hours I landed in Oakland was picked up by a dear friend that I met on the Camino who I was able to hike with for a few days along with her boyfriend. Almost immediately I felt myself become overwhelmed at the reality that I had made it back home after so much worry that I would never see this land again. I had gone so deep in fear that I had convinced myself that I would never experience the peace and joy of my job in the redwoods again or see the people I love so dearly in those space. After a few hours of driving we ended up at my home where I was greeted by friends and people I work with and given hugs and love. My heart was soaring in joy and was finding insane peace coming out of a storm of anxiety and fear.

 

 

I have been home for three days now and every day feel myself becoming stronger and more stable in being able to rest in the reality that presents itself around me. I have fully moved into my yurt and built myself a peaceful nest to rest in and begin finding clarity from everything that had just gone down in the past few months. I am so lucky to be sitting under these clouds and finding answers from all the questions I have had about why I had gone through all that I had. I have never felt like so much had gone wrong in such a short amount of time before and knew that it was all for a reason and there were infinite lessons to be learned and growing to be experienced from it all in the end. After all that has gone down I am left with the most simple desire in life; to love myself and those around me. I have a million questions and a lot to still process, but I know my root and I know what I want more than I ever have before. I feel so lucky to be alive and to be experiencing life in the way that I am. I look forward to spending more time in peaceful spaces over the next few weeks and continuing this journey of uncovering all the lessons this summer put into my life. I look forward to the journey ahead of self discovery and hope to continue hiking in beautiful places in a new way that is conducive for peace and rest rather than stress and anxiety. My hiking life is not over, but I have turned away from control and choose to live a life in peace and faith in trusting the wind to blow me into spaces that cultivates and kindles a fire in my soul that lights a path to freedom and love in all that I experience and allow into my life. After all that has happened this summer, all that is left is love and for that, it was all worth it.

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One Step Forward, One Step Back 8/17


I’d love to say that I woke up today feeling stronger than the day before, but I’d be lying. In the night I woke up to pee and was overwhelmed by pains in my chest. It felt like my heart was on fire and being squeezed by a hand. I got the number for the ambulance on my phone and was ready to go to the hospital. I sat up for almost an hour trying to keep calm and not freak out. Eventually I laid down and allowed myself to relax and my heart slowly began to feel ok enough to allow me to sleep only to wake up again in a few hours with more chest pain. I have no idea what is going on, but it’s terrifying. Ever since Hamburg and when I found out about my friend’s death I have been in the cloud of darkness that has shrouded my thoughts and mind. I feel like whenever I make some progress forward I am hit again by something else. This journey through Europe has been insane and so difficult and today I almost left. 
Ryan and I got our things together as the rain began to fall on us in the skate park. We had no desire to stick around and quickly began to hitch. Luckily we were picked up quickly by an incredible man who was taking his one day a year away from his family to hike in the woods and clear his mind in an arrangement his wife and him had agreed upon when they first got married. He took us all the way to a huge town in the middle of the forest where ryan got coffee and I walked around trying to keep myself distracted. 


After an hour or so we began to hitch again. We were quickly picked up by a jolly man who was driving up a mountain to look at the wind and decide if he could paraglide today. He would take us halfway to Strasbourg if we wanted after he looked at the mountain. When we got to the top he decided it was to risky and spoke with a few friends he knew at the peak. Within twenty minutes a friend of his came up to us and said we could ride all the way to Strasbourg with him! We still had no place to stay in the city, but were happy to get back to France. 


We had an incredible ride there with the sweetest family ever seriously making me want one of my own. After an hour or so they dropped us off in the city center where we found a mall to get water and relax for a bit. My heart was throbbing in pain and as ryan went to shop around I called home to ask my mom what I should do. We talked for almost an hour and decided that I should keep on trying to relax in Europe and move past the anxiety and stress of my physical pain and my friend’s death. If things don’t get better I will go home in a few days. This journey is not worth me losing my mind or hurting myself. I haven’t even really been able to process my friend’s death since I found out. Every time I think of it I get overwhelmed with darkness and sadness. I don’t want to leave this trip, but if I can’t get better I’ll have to. 


After my talk with my mom ryan showed up sporting his new epic fedora. We walked around the mall to get groceries and eventually made our way outside to have lunch by the river. Ryan got a notification that we had a place to stay and I gave him the biggest hug of my life. We went to buy some food to cook for our host and met him outside the mall to go back to his flat and relax. 


He lived in a beautiful area inside a colombage styled home, my favorite things ever, in a small flat close to the city. We sat in chairs and talked for a long time before ryan and I showered and started making dinner. We made burritos wth beans, mushrooms, onions and cheese, a Texas classic, and ate at a table together. Our host was really excited to drink beers with us and go out for a night, but I couldn’t do much in my condition unfortunately. Normally I’m the one who is going crazy to party, but tonight I am the one toning it all down. Buuuummmmeeerrrr. 


After dinner we played music together and got to hear our host kill it on a penny whistle. Ryan and I love improving songs and gave our host a few good laughs in our ridiculous attempt of humor. I began feeling a little lighter, but was feeling the day catching up with me and desperately wanted to sleep. 

Around 10 pm we got to lay down, but my anxiety wasn’t done with me. I laid down for about two hours and fought with everything I had to turn my brain off and get to sleep. As I laid there feeling my brain heat up and feeling like it would explode at any minute I remembered my lesson from the day before and started praying and praying and praying. I’m writing this the day after and know now that I basically prayed myself to sleep asking God to be my comfort and my peace and my rest over and over and over. I was terrified of the night and having what happened the night before repeat itself, but it didn’t. However, I knew that if this continued for another few days I’d have to go home. I am so thankful for my parents who have made themselves available at any minute of the day or night and promised to do whatever they could to help me out even if that includes getting me back home. I am thankful for all my friends who have reached out and given encouragement and love in this dark time. I plan to continue on this trip and fight for the light, but staying aware of my limits and know that sometimes you need to get out of spaces that aren’t conducive to healing and peace. I don’t know if Europe will be that, but I plan to give it all I’ve got. Thanks for the prayers! 

Last Night In Germany 8/16


Ryan and I woke up today in a warm home with a good night of sleep behind us. After we got our things together we tried to leave, but the front door was locked so we had to wake up our host and ask him to let us out. We said our goodbyes and many thanks before leaving to find the most incredible coffee shop I’ve ever seen. We found a place to sit in the patio out back and begin our morning routine of writing and preparing for the day. 
These past few days of anxiety have been absolute hell, but today I decided to try something I haven’t done yet. I’ve been focusing on the body so much and trying so many things dealing with my physical state like medicine and vitamins, but today I tried something else out. I prayed. I sat for an hour in the coffee shop pouring my anxiety out on paper in prayer realizing this was where I needed to be refocusing my energy and thoughts. I slowly began to feel myself crawl out of anxiety and turn my thoughts to brighter places trusting that whatever comes my way will not defeat me. I began to find strength. 


After a long while we left the coffee shop and began hitching out of the city. We had to take a tram to get to the highway and ran on without buying a ticket as the tram was pulling away. We ended up getting caught without a ticket and had to pay for a small 11 euro all day ticket as our punishment. We ended up using that ticket to take a bus all the way to our highway. 


Today we began feeling the joys of hitching again and ended up taking many many rides to get to our place for the night. The heat of the south has come back and is forcing mass water consumption once again. We ended up getting to a small beer garden right off the highway where we decided to change our plans for the day. Instead of taking highways all the way to Strasbourg we wanted to take smaller roads through the Black Forest and enjoy the beauty of the woods on our journey. So we threw a thumb up and got dropped off in a small town called Pforzheim. 


We wanted to buy a few groceries for the night, but ended up buying a ton of fruit as a vender forced us to take peaches and plumbs. Literally without asking us threw it in or bags and told us we must take the fruit. So we did. 

 

After the grocery store we walked out to begin hitching deeper into the forest. The first car that passed picked us up and drove us to a restaurant right off the highway we needed to be on to continue down the forest. Ryan and I left the car and turned to find the restaurant and found the sign; Little Texas!!!! We couldn’t believe our eyes and almost took off running towards the restaurant. We ordered a burger and fries and took a million pictures of the tiny German restaurant that had all of the Texan collateral you could find; including a confederate flag, which we tried to ignore. 

We left the restaurant with happy hearts and continued down the dark road into the Black Forest. A precious younger man in his thirties picked us up and drove us deep into the forest asking all kinds of questions about trump and America. He told us he would take us to Bad Wildbad if we wanted to go there or we could get dropped off at a pool right off the road we were on. He told us we could probably sneak in and go for a swim if we wanted and that there were hot showers to be found as well. Obviously we chose the pool. 


We said our goodbyes at the pool and as he left when ryan and I began to jump the fence we saw car lights turn on and pull out of the parking lot. Probably a young couple making out, but it was enough to spook us and make us think the cops might get called. So we quickly jumped the fence and wondered around for a short time before taking a shower and leaving the pool area. We wanted to sleep close by, but not cause too much of a disturbance in the morning so we found a skate park close by and made our bed on top of a grind table. 

Laying down, ryan and I started talking about stars and the infinite wonder of space before saying goodnight and starting to fall asleep. All day I have turned my thoughts to more positive places and tried really hard to keep myself focused on God and trust in my situation. I have felt strong and stable, but my heart still hurts and my head has a few aches. I also have white spots on my throat. I definitely am sick, but have no idea what it could be. Maybe mono from sharing drinks, dehydration, pneumonia… not sure. However, I’m going to keep on going and pray I continue to heal. We will see how the morning is and take it from there. So excited for California!

Long Way Down 8/15


Waking up to the smell of pine trees and the sound of running water is one hundred percent my favorite way to wake up. This morning was golden and so good for my heart. Ryan and I slept until almost eight and slowly woke up with the day. I spent a long time listening to music and writing by the river before we decided to leave our wooded sanctuary and continue our journey back to France. 
We slowly walked back to the road outside of the forest and found a kebab shop to have lunch at. We were a long way away from a major highway, but found a tram that went pretty close to it. We exited our tram and found a spot to hitch on the highway and within ten minutes a man pulled over to pick us up. He was driving all the way to Nuremberg, which was further south than ryan and I were planning on going, but we couldn’t pass up such a huge ride halfway across the country. So we got in the car and were off. 



Our driver was a sweet older man who spoke a little English and kept trying to call his daughter who lives in Ireland to have us talk with her since her English was much better. We sat in silence most of the time and relaxed in the slow moving highway and traffic kept us at a crawl getting out of Dresden. 

About 40 miles before our drop spot we were met with a huge traffic jam that had backed up for miles and miles. Still not sure what caused it, but we sat for almost two hours at a stand still. Everyone was out of their cars talking with other people and taking pee breaks in the woods. Finally a cop car drove by and told us to get back in our cars and that the traffic would be moving soon. 


Our driver dropped us off at a small highway that was going into Nuremberg. He lived on the outskirts and was excited to get home after all the traffic. After a few failed hitching attempts we decided to get on a bus for three euro and get into Nuremberg quickly. We had been given a home for the night and we were excited to find it and relax for the evening. 
When we got into Nuremberg we were needing wifi to contact our host, but struggled finding some. We went into a Burger King after a short tour of the city and found or our host was on the opposite side of town. We got on the tram and went to find her. 


When we got to the bar she said she was at we couldn’t find her so we went to stand outside and wait to see if she would show up. After a few minutes a skinny guy with long hair and a wiry beard came out and told us we would be staying in his flat across the street. We went in to join him for a beer but didn’t stay for long. We were excited to shower and get to sleep so he gave us his keys and we made our way to his flat. 


When we got there ryan and I took showers and laid down for the night. My anxiety has again been through the roof today. My heart has this insane ache in it and my head feels like it’s on fire off and on. I’ve been doing my best to stay cool and go with the flow, but it’s getting pretty tough. I’m hoping a few more days of vitamins and finding peace in France will help, but we will see. My goal is to have as much fun as possible and to not let my desires to be home over power my current ability to see things I may never get to see again. Tomorrow is a new day and I will seek the light to get out of this darkness.